The Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels
by KalliopeStarmist
Summary: After an attack on their friends, Naruto and Sasuke seek vengence from the infamous Writer Ninjas of Lemongakure. Joined by Zabuza and his li'l friend Haku, they have to hurry, because things are heating up in Konoha, and they may be its only hope.
1. Book 1: Fluff

The Ninja of the Night and The Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels

Book 1: Fluff

Disclaimer: I realize that most of my readers are rabid yaoi fans, and I'm fine with that. I didn't write this to insult anybody. It's just, we all know that our favorite little shinobi probably aren't too fond of us fanfiction writers... I guess what I'm really trying to say is, "it's all in good fun."

* * *

"Whoa... Sensei's way later than he usually is, and that's saying something," Naruto informed his comrade Sasuke, who was trying to beat the third temple of his Zelda game and didn't need the distraction. "Hey, Sasuke, Sensei's really late."

"I know, I heard you the first time," the serious youth growled into his GameBoy.

"Kinda weird Sakura-chan isn't here yet, either. She's usually on time... isn't it weird that Sakura isn't here yet? Huh, isn't it? Isn't it?"

Sasuke began frantically pressing 'B', but the game made a little noise of death. "Yes, Naruto. It is weird that Sakura has not shown up yet. Kakashi-Sensei is much later than usual. Once again, your powers of observation astound all."

"You don't need to snap at me just because you suck at that stupid game. I've beaten that, like, a jillion times. I can't believe you're only on the third level."

His eyes twitching, Sasuke got to his feet and pocketed his game. "I've had enough of this. I'm going to go find Sensei. I can't handle you without a responsible adult around."

"Ooh. Can I come too?"

"Well, you're going to come no matter what I say, so sure."

* * *

The two boys paused outside their teacher's door.

"Sasuke... it sounds like he has a woman in there... There's something I never thought I'd have to say."

Sasuke gulped. "I'm all for going back home."

"Oh, come on, Sasuke! Now's our chance to burst down the door and scare the tar out of him for standing us up like that!"

"Naruto, you idiot, think about this. We don't want to see what's behind that—,"

"HEYAH!" But, it was, of course, too late. Little Naruto had kicked in the door and got ready to see the look on Kakashi's face... But it turns out Sasuke was right... they didn't want to know what was going on behind that door.

"Oh, Sensei, I love you so much," sighed the lovely ninja maiden, (you guessed it)

"Sakura?"shuddered Naruto and Sasuke simultaneously from the doorway, where they were frozen solid by horror.

Sakura and Kakashi woke up from their trance and turned to face the peeping toms. "AAAAH!"

The older man laughed awkwardly from behind his headband/face cover "Ha... ha... um... There's a good explanation for this, boys. We... um..." And suddenly, POOF! Kakashi used his neato ninja skills to vanish. Actually, he jumped out the window and ran away.

"Sakura?" Naruto whispered again, aghast. Sasuke looked more than a little green. "What... what were you doing? That was... our teacher!"

"Oh," Sakura smiled carelessly. "I was just..." Her smile dropped away. "Oh, God. That was... I was just..." Waking up a little now, the girl brushed her fingers across her lips. "EW! I was making out with the teacher!"

Sasuke and Naruto winced.

"It was the author, I swear!" Sakura protested. "I couldn't do anything about it! Oh, crap... I've been screwing my teacher!"

"Sakura," Sasuke broke in, "I didn't need to know that."

But Sakura was lost in her own thoughts now. "Come to think of it, I haven't had my period for a while, either... oh no... what if...?"

"Ok, I REALLY didn't need to know that..." Sasuke shuddered.

Suddenly, Naruto re-joined the conversation. "This is the last straw! I'm used to perverted fanfiction writers! They've done some pretty dirty stuff to me. But this is it. I don't care if I get molested or raped or victimized. I'm used to it. I can deal. And nobody cares what happens to Sasuke, but... Sakura? No. She's a girl! It's not yaoi anymore, it's just wrong! We must take revenge! Come," Naruto jumped out the door, motioning to Sasuke as he did so. "We must Ninja in the Night!"

Sasuke wasn't so enthusiastic to take up the cause. "What do you mean, nobody cares what happens to me?"

"Now is not the time for idle chatter!" admonished Naruto, grabbing his colleague by the wrist and dragging him along. "We must destroy these hentai writers!"

"Um... don't mind me..." Sakura shouted after them. "I'll just sit here, shall I?" The two boys disappeared from sight, and she sighed. "Whatever. I'll just chill."

* * *

"Naruto, you don't even know where we're going," Sasuke panted after they had been leaping through the woods for over two hours. "Can't we just go home and find Sakura a good lawyer?"

"I do know where we're going! To the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels, in the Land of Hentai, to avenge Kakashi and Sakura, because he buys us alcohol and she's the only girl who will talk to us."

Glowering, Sasuke came to a halt, forcing Naruto to turn around and come back for him. "Look, it's very noble of you and all, but this whole thing is a waste of time. How exactly are we supposed to find the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels?"

"Oh, we'll just follow the signs."

"What signs?" Sasuke asked, gesturing around the landscape, then sitting down on a convenient log. "Admit it, you don't have a clue what you're doing, and I have better things to do than follow you on your wild goose chase."

"Better things?" scoffed Naruto, "Like help Link get beaten to a pulp?"

"Shut up, Naruto," growled the other boy, pulling out his hand held gaming device. "Don't you have some wrongs to go avenge or something?"

"Oh, that can wait," Naruto shrugged, completely missing the sarcasm as he sat down next to his comrade. "We should be getting close, and I need a breather anyway."

The two sat in relative silence for a while, buttons tapping and Sasuke swearing under his breath the only noise.

"Left! Left! No, don't—," Beep Beep Boop went the game. "Damn it! Stupid Link!" Bleep Bloop? "Yes, try again!"

Naruto scooted closer and peered over Sasuke's shoulder. "Do you want some help?"

"No. I just can't figure out how to get this damn key."

"Turn left when you get to the freaky statue thing... now push that block aside... down the stairs..."

And so, with Naruto's persistent and mildly annoying guidance, Sasuke managed to navigate his way to Ganon's little minion dungeon boss guy.

"And you can figure out how to kill that guy," whispered Naruto. Somehow, during the game, his voice had gotten much quieter, and he had lowered his head so his chin was resting on Sasuke's shoulder, their cheeks touching. "He's a pushover."

"Hey, thanks, Uzumaki," Sasuke whispered back, kissing his companion.

Beep Beep Boop! blipped the game as the Dungeon Boss smashed Link into a pancake. Naruto blinked and jumped about a foot away.

"Whoa! That was a close one!" he laughed, spitting a couple of times and wiping his lips off.

"What was that?" asked the severely-shaken Sasuke.

"That, my friend, was the first sign we have entered the Land of Hentai. The Order of Writer Ninjas have begun their first attacks on us." Naruto started to walk again. "Come on, we've still got a long ways to go. Be alert. It's only going to get harder to break the spell as we go on."

Resigned, Sasuke retrieved his GameBoy from the ground. "Aw, man. I forgot to save."

* * *

They continued walking for quite some time, until Sasuke, hearing something, held out his hand and stopped Naruto. "Shh... listen..."

Somewhere in the undergrowth, branches were snapping.

"Will you _please_ take that frickin' creepy mask off?"

"It's for safety. Don't forget where we are. This mask makes it harder for you to kiss me. But if you really want me to take it off, Zabuza-sama,"

"No, no, never mind."

The shrubbery in front of Naruto and Sasuke parted to reveal two ninjas; a young boy with a truly spooky mask on, and an older guy with dark hair poking through his headband, cow print armbands, and a huge ax-type thing over one shoulder. Naruto and Sasuke's mouths dropped open.

"Zabuza and Haku?" they gasped in unison. "You're alive!.?"

"So it would seem," shrugged Zabuza.

"Hey, it's Naruto and Sasuke!" Haku exclaimed, recognizing them. "What are you doing here? Are you lost, too?"

"No. We're on our way to the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels, to avenge our friends!" cried Naruto. Sasuke rolled his eyes. Was his partner ever going to learn to keep a secret?

"Can we come too? Please?" pleaded Haku. "You're the first people we've seen in _days_."

"Sure! The more the merrier!" beamed Naruto, skipping up the path, humming 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road'. The rest shrugged and followed after him, Sasuke running a little faster to catch up before the other two.

"Naruto, have you lost your mind? You can't invite them along!"

"Why's that, Sasuke? You want to be alone with me?" teased his friend. "With them along, it's a lot less likely we'll slip into yaoi moments... I think that's a good thing." He glanced back at their new friends, only to find they had fallen behind... which makes sense, as they were busy holding hands and chatting a little _too_ warmly.

"Zabuza! Haku!" Naruto snapped his fingers. "Stop that!"

Waking up immediately, the pair rushed to catch up with the two boys, careful to keep as much distance between themselves as possible.

"Eyes open, boys," Naruto told them sternly. "It will take two days to reach the village."

"And that means two nights," Sasuke grimly warned the company.

* * *

(In case you're wondering, the Ninja of the Night comes from an AMV of a Sifl and Ollie routine.)


	2. Book 2: Lime

The Ninja of the Night and The Writers of Hentai

Book 2: Lime

* * *

"Marshmallows and cup ramen?" groaned Sasuke, looking up from lighting the campfire to see what was on the menu for the night.

Naruto gulped down a marshmallow he had sneaked on the side. "Hey, it's what's for dinner." Sasuke scowled at him. "Don't look at me like that, you jerk. I didn't have time to pack anything else!"

"A true Shinobi is prepared for anything," declared Sasuke self-righteously.

"Oh, yeah? Well, what food did _you_ bring, Mr. Shinobi?"

"... I brought Zelda. I don't need food."

"Ha, ha! I'm better than Sasuke! I'm better than Sasuke!" chanted Naruto, sticking his tongue out at his fellow ninja. "In your face, Uchiha!"

Sasuke pulled out a handy dandy throwing knife and prepared to shut Naruto up, for good, but right before he could throw it, Haku moved into his line of sight and he had to abort the mission.

"Ramen? Marshmallows?" Haku asked in a completely different tone than Sasuke's. "Can... can... may we have some, too?"

Naruto patted his head. "Of course you can. There's plenty to go around."

"Really? We can?" whimper the masked boy in a voice to break your heart, throwing his arms around Naruto's neck. "I LOVE you!"

Naruto grinned in that goofy, love-struck way that the others had come to recognize during their journey.

"Haku! Stop!" Zabuza barked. The boy released Naruto and turned towards the voice.

"Zabuza-sama! They have FOOD!"

"Haku!" Once again, Haku's head snapped towards Sasuke, who handed him a kettle. "Here. Go fill this with water."

"Yessir," nodded Haku, running off.

"You'll have to forgive him," Zabuza apologized. "Our food ran out the third day, and we haven't eaten since."

"How long have you been out here?" Sasuke asked curiously.

"A week, maybe longer... I've lost count."

"Whoa."

"Tell me about it. This place has been screwing with our hormones, too. I'm not usually this nice, believe me, and the kid is never this hyper. It's like we're PMSing..."

Sasuke bit his lip and glanced over at the expedition's leader, Naruto. The more he heard about this place, the less he wanted to stay. "Naruto, how is this going to help us? I mean, we don't stand a chance against an entire village of upper level writers, and the longer we stay out here, the worse things get... Let's just go home."

"Sasuke, there's a fic out there where I get pregnant. Ok? PREGNANT! I've had enough of being the victim of these guys' evil whims, and when they start attacking my friends... I'm going to stop them! I'm not going to put up with it anymore!"

"Well, I'm not going to make out with Haku just because you have the hots for Sakura."

"It's a little late for _that_, isn't it?"

"The authors made me. And you should have woken us up a LOT sooner."

"I was trying. If you ask me, you didn't _want_ to wake up."

"Or maybe _you_ just suck at waking people up, just like you suck at everything else."

"Take it back!" howled Naruto, lunging at his rival.

* * *

They were still fighting when Haku returned with the kettle, and they weren't showing any signs of stopping in the near future, so the remaining pair decided to leave them be and start getting dinner for themselves. Haku pulled out some of his multi-purpose acupuncture needles and speared a few marshmallows on them, holding them out over the fire.

"Y'know, kid, it's probably not the healthiest thing to not eat for four days and then fill up on marshmallows..." Zabuza remarked. Haku wordlessly turned to him and offered up a weapon-turned-marshmallow-roaster as the Naruto/Sasuke dust cloud rolled around in the background.

"You're never going to become Hokage, dunce!"

"You're never going to score, A-hole!"

"Sakura hates you!"

"You don't have parents!"

"Naruto, you idiot, you don't have parents, either."

"Shut-up!"

With a small sigh, Zabuza began roasting a marshmallow.

* * *

"Um... Naru— Naruto? Hey... Um..." Haku tried, unsuccessfully, to catch the blond boy's attention.

"Oh, just eat your noodles. He already said it was ok," Zabuza groaned, starting on his own oh-so-filling dinner.

"But... shouldn't we ask first?"

"Haku, eat the damn ramen before you pass out."

At the word "Ramen", Naruto's head snapped up, and he let go of Sasuke (whose head he had been slamming repeatedly into a tree), to go get something to eat.

"Food food food food food!" Happily slurping down ramen, Naruto smiled evilly at Sasuke, who was still dusting himself off and picking tree bark out of his face. "Sasuke, you don't get any ramen. After all, you brought Zelda, so you don't need food, and the rest of us are starving."

"I didn't want your stinking instant noodles anyway," Sasuke snapped, "I bet it's filled with MSG, and you're all going to die of cancer."

The others went back to eating, but after a little bit, Zabuza started watching Sasuke, to keep his mind off the unsatisfying meal he didn't have any choice but to eat. Naruto would look up once in a while too, and Sasuke would defiantly stick his tongue out and go back to Zelda, but when the other boy wasn't looking, his starving counterpart was biting his lip and staring hungrily at the other guys contentedly eating.

A few minutes of watching this heartbreaking spectacle, and Zabuza couldn't help but intervene. Carefully avoiding eye contact by staring at the fire, he stuck his own cup o' noodles in front of Sasuke. "Here. We're going to need all our strength for this. I can't have you slowing us down."

Sasuke didn't need telling twice. He grabbed the cup quickly and started his dinner, although he did twitch once in a while, like he was fighting an urge to look over his shoulder. "I keep thinking Master Kakashi's going to jump us and tell us we passed our exam."

Naruto laughed, and Zabuza, thinking of the two young ninjas' earlier fight, asked them, "How does he deal with you two all the time? I go crazy just keeping Haku out of trouble, and he's a _good_ kid."

Naruto and Sasuke looked at each other, and shrugged. "He mostly just ignores us,"

"In favor of his ... cough, literature," added Naruto with a grin.

"Or in favor of giving Sakura _lessons_, if you know what we mean," snickered Sasuke. Forgetting their feud, the pair exchanged a high five.

"..." said Zabuza.

"..." said Haku.

"Yeah, that's how we reacted, too," Naruto told them.

"It is odd though," Zabuza mused, mostly to put the thought of Kakashi-on-Sakura action out of his mind, "You boys probably don't realize it, but your teacher is a _big deal_ in the Ninja world. I mean, he's huge. I find it hard to believe that Kakashi of the Sharingan Eye would have nothing better to do than make sure that three twelve-year-olds don't kill each other before they kill their opponent."

"We've wondered about that, too," Sasuke admitted.

"Far as we can tell, he's doing community service for something, but he won't tell us what," Naruto shrugged.

"We think he might have robbed a convenience store."

"Or killed a guy."

"Or sold crack to school kids."

"Or graffitoed the wall around the village."

"Or forgotten to pay a library fee."

Haku yawned. Everybody turned to stare at him.

"Yeah, how are we going to set up a guard tonight?" Sasuke pondered. "Two people is the traditional night watch, but that doesn't seem wise under the circumstances."

"And one person might wake up someone else while the others are sleeping," cautioned Naruto.

"But if we don't post a guard, and someone wakes up in the night, the same thing could happen," Zabuza reasoned.

"We could just keep mo- mo-," Haku tried unsuccessfully to suppress another yawn, "moving all night. We'd get to the village faster."

"Get to our deaths faster, you mean," Sasuke interrupted. "We won't be in any shape to fight if we haven't slept in days."

"Well, looks like only one of us is going to be sleeping at a time tonight," Naruto shrugged. "It's the only option we have."

Haku yawned again.

"If you boys don't mind," Zabuza nodded deferentially towards Naruto and Sasuke, "I think you should take the first sleep, Haku."

"Are yo- yo-," Yawn. "you sure?"

The rest nodded resolutely. "Get some rest," Naruto advised kindly. "We're going to stay up awhile bitching about Sensei anyway."

"Thank you." Haku stretched out on the ground, and seemed about to fall asleep, when he sat up. "Since you're all keeping guard... can I take off my mask?"

"Sure. Don't worry, we'll keep you safe," Sasuke promised, feeling very grown up that he could make such a promise. No wonder Naruto liked babysitting so much. There was something very comforting about having a little kid look up to you... even if the "little kid" was about your age and much much more powerful than you.

"Mmm. What a relief," sighed the "little kid", removing his mask (which he had obviously been wearing for quite some time), curling up, and falling asleep.

The remaining three ninjas talked for a little while longer, but soon lapsed into an awkward silence, broken only when they found that they had all three, simultaneously and unconsciously, moved slowly over to where Haku was sleeping.

Completely unaware of the lurking menace above him, Haku smiled peacefully.

"Aw..." gasped the others.

"He's... so cute," breathed Naruto, blushing faintly.

"Look at him smile!" cooed Sasuke, the slightest trickle of blood running down his nose.

"He's a very pretty boy," sighed Zabuza.

"Hai," nodded the others.

And they sat there for a few minutes, just admiring slumbering Haku.

Deeply immersed in a very nice dream about leaves, Haku suddenly became aware of breathing above him. He opened one eye.

"What's going on?" he asked drowsily, tiredly rubbing his eyes.

Naruto and Sasuke squealed like two schoolgirls. "So adorable!"

Zabuza seemed to wake up, a little reluctantly. "We were thinking... maybe you'd better leave the mask on... just as a precaution."

Haku glanced sleepily at Naruto and Sasuke, and decided he didn't really want to know. He put the mask back on and went to sleep again.

* * *

Day one is over at long last.

Poor Zabuza's molestable little friend,

Haku: Haku. My name's Haku.

Me: Whatever.


	3. Book 3: Lemon

The Ninja of the Night and the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels

Book 3: Lemon

**_To THE Shirt Ninja: _**Your review raised such interesting questions, I felt I had to answer it publicly.

First, as to Haku, I found out yesterday that he's 15! I was thinking 12. Haku, m'lad, this is pretty pathetic. At that age, you should have hit some form of puberty. (For the record, I love Haku to death, even if I don't always act it.)

Mmmm... Kakashi naked... now there's a thought... (nosebleed) Why would that be a crime?

Ah, Sasuke's motive, well, he... you wouldn't want me to spoil the story, now, would you?

As for the other villages, my contacts in Suna, as you will soon see, are in no position to comment on their local news. My spies report Oto to be strangely vacant, but Ame reports very little action, and we have reason to believe the Writers are focusing on Konoha.

**Now, a word before we embark on this long-but-necessary chapter: **

Please bear in mind that most of these are _real_ pairings that have fics and fanbases and everything else. Some I like, some I don't, and a chosen few I pulled out of my ass while playing the 3rd Naruto game, which isn't out in the US, but which my friend NekoRaven bought from Japan, and since we don't understand it, we just make up what they're saying. (This is also the direct source of the Zabu-Haku and Naru-Hina fights later on. My friend Youkai-girl23 and I were the ones fighting, and I the one losing, both times. She's a tricky one.)

* * *

Sunrise dawned (um... is that redundant at all?), and the little group of ninjas continued their journey through the woods.

Of all of them, Sasuke felt he had gotten the least sleep. During his turn, Naruto had led the other two watchmen through a rousing round of campfire songs. _I mean, I wouldn't even mind so much, if any of them could carry a tune..._

Naruto tried to trip him as he walked past. Of all of them, Naruto felt he had gotten the least sleep. His had been the last shift, and everybody else had been alert, talkative, and ready to go as soon as possible. "Hey, Sasuke, wanna fight?"

"Sure."

"Come on, boys," Zabuza groaned, "Can't you even make it to noon without wanting to kill each other?" Of all of them, Zabuza felt he had gotten the least sleep. How could adolescent boys be so loud in the middle of the night? _He_ had never been so noisy when _he_ was their age.

"Oh, we're just sparring," Sasuke explained, dodging a sloppy kick of Naruto's. "We do it all the time on assignments."

"Keeps our minds off being bored... or, in this case, off each other," elaborated Naruto, throwing another punch at Sasuke, and being easily pushed away. It was obvious that neither boy was alert enough to really concentrate or to do any damage.

* * *

Back in Konoha, there was a problem.

Hinata shivered as she walked through the deserted schoolyard. Everything looked so peaceful, and yet... something didn't seem right.

"Why, Hinata-chan! What a surprise," exclaimed Iruka, emerging from the building.

"Sensei," Hinata blushed, pulling her jacket closer around her; she didn't like the way her old teacher was looking at her.

"There's not need to be timid," he told her, laying a hand on her shoulder. "You've got a lovely body."

"I- Iruka-sensei?" whimpered the girl, unsure what she should do.

Right on cue, someone came out of nowhere, attacking the suddenly-pervy teacher and knocking him away from Hinata. To her, to two combatants were little more than a blur.

"Get out of here!" her rescuer ordered Iruka, finally letting him up. "And never let me hear of you picking on little girls, ever again!"

"What are you talking about?" the man asked, rubbing his eyes like he had just woken up. "What's gotten into you all of sudden?"

"Get out of my sight, you sick bastard!" yelled the boy, and Iruka, examining his various wounds, decided to run first, ask questions later. Hinata's hero ran up to her. "Hina-chan, are you all right?"

Hinata shuddered, and collapsed on his shoulder, gasping, "Neji-nii-san!"

Neji led his cousin over to what was commonly referred to as "the orphan's swing" so she could sit down. "Shh. Don't cry. I'm not going to let anyone hurt my little 'cuz. Except me."

Her emotions under control now, Hinata kissed him gratefully.

"HYUUGACEST!" yelled Sakura, magically appearing to push the couple apart. "Stop this! You're cousins, for chrissake!"

Kakashi limped into the playground, hindered by the the weight of his severely-pummeled and not a little confused fellow, Iruka. "Two attacks on Hinata in a row..." he told Sakura gravely. "I've never seen anything like this. We need to talk to the Hokage."

* * *

The Hokage's house was already swamped with outraged townsfolk, all prevented from seeing their leader by a guard in a business suit standing before the front door.

"Sensei called me up at 1:00 am and asked what I was wearing," shuddered Shikamaru. "I don't know how he got my number. _I_ don't even know my number."

"Couples are making out all over the streets!" complained a middle-aged woman. "I've got a kid! He doesn't need to see that!"

"What's going on around here?" demanded a face in the crowd, starting an angry chant.

"Why do I have the sudden urge to see Kakashi and find out if he has any plans for tonight?" Gai shouted over the dirge of "What's going on? What's going on?"

"A hentai attack," came the answer from the back of the rabble. The crowd parted to allow Kakashi (still carrying Iruka) and Sakura to pass, followed by the two Hyuugas. "We must speak with the Hokage," he commanded the guard. "We have urgent information."

"The Hokage will speak to no one," the guard intoned.

"Please!" pleaded Sakura. "You have to let us by!"

"None shall pass."

"But, it's a matter of life and death! Look what happened to Iruka-sensei!"

The man's eyes widened as he stared at Iruka, who they now suspected had a concussion. "The Writers... did _that_?"

Neji fidgeted uncomfortably as Sakura crossed her fingers behind her back and nodded.

"Right this way," bowed the guard, retrieving his key.

* * *

Back with our heros, Sasuke and Naruto continued to spar, until Haku started to notice that Sasuke was a very handsome young man... and Zabuza started to notice that Haku was starting to notice that Sasuke was a very handsome young man... which Zabuza was also starting to notice. Oddly enough, the two Konoha boys didn't seem to notice the Yaoi Attack, probably because they were busy fighting... "Hey, Haku, do you want to practice the ice-mirror thing?"

Haku ripped his eyes... mask (whatev)... away from Naruto and Sasuke. "Um... ok... but..."

"Hmm?"

"Well... it's just... it takes me a few seconds to set the jutsu up correctly...I have to have that space, or I can't get it, and I'm really vulnerable... just for a few seconds... but you know all that, Zabuza-sama, so if you're expecting the attack, you can stop me then... and you usually kick me, and it usually hurts."

"I'll go easy on you, this time."

"... really?"

"Really. No kicking. Here, come at me..."

Naruto and Sasuke stopped to watch the fight.

Haku hesitated. "You promise?"

"Yes, Haku," the man sighed impatiently, "I promise."

"Ok," Haku zipped forward, and,

BAM! Zabuza kicked him right in the head. "I lied."

Haku dropped like a stone. Naruto laughed. Sasuke gasped. "That was horrible! And you, Naruto! Why are you laughing? You're supposed to be a nice person!"

The blond kept giggling. "Relax, Sasuke. I've done that before."

Sasuke and Zabuza were somewhat shocked. "You have?"

"Yeah," Naruto shrugged, and launched into a story.

"_Um... Naruto-kun?" Hinata whispered quietly, coming up to him. "I've been working on this new technique, and I wondered if I could practice it on you... if you want to!"_

"_Oh, sure. No problem!" Naruto agreed enthusiastically, preparing for a little sparring match._

_Hinata turned pink. "Thank you so much! Um... hey, there's one more thing... I'm not as fast as you... so, could you go easy on me? Just until I've gotten this technique down?"_

"_Of course! Just glad I can help!"_

_Hinata smiled shyly and began her attack..._

_And Naruto pretty much dropped her with one punch. _

"_Naruto-kun!"_

"_I lied. Believe it!"_

Laughing, Zabuza and Naruto walked off down the path, leaving Haku on the ground and Sasuke with his mouth hanging open. "Naruto! That's awful! I'm ashamed to even know you!" The others were fast leaving him behind. "Hey, Haku isn't moving! I think you knocked him out or something!" The others kept walking. "Hey!" They still didn't turn around. Groaning, Sasuke hoisted the other boy's comatose body over his shoulder. "And they say I'm the brooding, insensitive one who only cares about himself."

* * *

"Sir, this reeks of Lemonpeelgakure," Kakashi told the Hokage as he finished his group's tale.

The old man puffed on his pipe, almost hidden from behind Tsunade, who, for reasons beyond human understanding, was sitting on his lap. "The Lemon Peel shinobi have been nothing but hostile to us in the past. They have no reason to start behaving so... nice all of a sudden."

"You want to see hostile, just wait until Tsunade wakes up," Sakura quipped. "With all due respect, I can't believe these attacks are a friendly gesture. We need to send patrols out to secure the area around the village before they circle around and put us under siege."

"Oh, we're already surrounded," shrugged the Hokage. "I doubt anyone could get out of here, now."

"WHAT?" gasped the others. "Why didn't you tell us?"

"There's really nothing we can do at this point, anyway. If someone had snuck out before, we might have had a chance to send for reinforcements, but as is, we'll just have to weather this one out. Now, if you'll excuse me and Boobs here,"

At his second sentence, Hinata had turned pink. "Oh, Naruto," the timid young girl whispered. "Please hurry."

* * *

"Ooh, what's this?" Naruto gasped happily, pulling a citrus fruit off of one of the heavily laden trees surrounding them. "An orange! And right on time for lunch!"

"DON'T TOUCH IT!" Haku screamed, similar to the way you scream when the idiot hero on the horror movie goes into the darkened room on his own. Startled, Naruto dropped the orange. "We've been through here before, and that fruit... when you eat it," the boy broke off with a shudder.

"Oh, hush," Zabuza muttered. "We found all of our clothes in the end. They weren't too far from where we woke up."

Sasuke gulped and inched away from the trees, closer to Zabuza, who reached out to grab his butt. Not breaking a sweat, Sasuke inched back over to the orange trees. _This is a serious no win-situation._

* * *

Uchiha Itachi, Sasuke's serial-killer, spastic older brother, couldn't help but feel that this was the most gaudy, hideous room he had ever set foot in. Violent green walls with huge safety-orange stars, garish yellow shag carpet, and fuzzy hot pink throw pillows spun together, making him want to puke. "Your decorator needs some serious medical attention," he told Orichimaru, not bothering to say "hi" after bursting into the pale man's Konoha-side lair uninvited.

"Charming to see you too, Uchiha," leered the room's owner sarcastically, leaning back on the fuzzy couch. "I suppose you didn't come just to pass the time?"

"No. I came here to warn you to stay away from Sasuke."

"Ah, fraternal love. How touching... and yet I don't seem to recall you being too fond of your family."

"I'm not," came the response from Ori's fellow villain. "I could care less if you kill him or whatever, but right now, with the LemonPeelers around, I want you to leave him alone."

"What I do is none of your business," Orichimaru growled coldly.

"I'm making it my business!" yelled Itachi, punching a hole in the wall right above his nemesis's head. "He's still my little brother, and I don't want you molesting him!"

"Oh, I see," smirked Orichimaru, unfazed by the plaster and green paint chips in his hair. "You want him for yourself? Well, you're just going to have to beat me to him."

Red eyes widening in horror, Itachi threw himself across the door, blocking it with his body. "Listen to me, you creepy fruitcake. Neither of us is going to leave this room until the Writers are gone."

"Very well. May I suggest you get real comfy, Itachi?"

* * *

Miles away, and blissfully unaware of the awful sacrifices his hated older brother was making for him, Sasuke was walking along.

"So, Sasuke, are you gay? Because there are an awful lot of beautiful chicks throwing themselves at you," Naruto asked. "I mean, Sakura is all over you, and she's a total babe, and you're like "blah" and she's all like "Sasuke, I luv you" and you're all like "Shaddup" and she's all like, "but I luv you," and you're always "Shaddup," and she's always,"

"Is Sakura that girl in your cell?" Haku asked. When Sasuke and Naruto nodded, he cooed, "Aw, but she and Sasuke would make such a cute couple!"

Naruto wrinkled his face. "Yeah, except Sasuke likes little boys!"

"I like Sakura ok," Sasuke mumbled. "I just don't want a girlfriend, that's all."

"'Cause you like boys!" Naruto shouted triumphantly.

"Just you," Sasuke whispered.

Naruto blushed. "Really? You... you mean that, Sasuke-kun?"

"Stop it, boys," Zabuza said from the back of the group.

Sasuke kissed Naruto tenderly.

"Ok, really," Zabuza raised his voice a little.

Naruto pulled his teammate closer...

Haku sent an acupuncture needle right through Sasuke's neck.

"AAAH! Do you have any idea how much that stings?" gasped the dark-haired boy, yanking the needle back out.

"We must be getting closer," Naruto informed them over Haku's apology.

* * *

Tenten was washing her hair at the bathhouse when Ino joined her. "Hey, Tenten. You hear the alert?"

Tenten shook her head, sending soap suds flying.

Ino gasped. How could she not have heard? "The LemonPeel village is attacking! We're on code pale lilac!"

"That high?" her fellow girl gasped. "It must be really bad." Quickly, but deliberately, she pulled her hair, still wet, into balls on top of her head, grabbed her pale pink bathrobe, only half wearing it as she moved to the door. "I have to go hang out near Neji and hope for the best, see ya!"

"Tenten, this is serious! We aren't talking cute fluff here, we're talking hardcore sex! Our virtue is at risk!"

Still not taking the threat seriously, Tenten winked. "All the better. Neji, darling, here I come!"

"What if you get attacked before you find him?" Ino tried to yell, but her friend had already opened the door.

Jiraiya was standing there, mouth open, staring at Tenten, who hadn't tied her bathrobe yet. Shrieking, she slammed the door shut.

"I told you, it's dangerous," Ino lectured. "Although, that might not have had anything to do with the Writers..."

* * *

Rock Lee was sleeping. In the middle of the practice court. It wasn't the first time he had passed out while training. It was the first time he had slept while in so much danger.

Waking up, he opened his eyes. A pair of aqua blue eyes stared back.

"Aqua blue is redundant," Gaara of the Desert said, as if reading his thoughts. "Because the color aqua is a form of blue."

Lee scuttled, crab-like, a safe distance away before he stood up.

"You were practicing again," Gaara remarked, cold and puzzled at the same time. "Why do you train so hard?"

"I have to be strong so I can prove that I'm just as good, no, better, than any natural genius. And yes, I know I sound just like Naruto, so don't say it."

"I wasn't going to," Gaara said. "But, why bother?"

"Because... it's important to me," Lee frowned at the quizzical look Gaara gave him. "You're a very cynical person, aren't you? As the Great Gai-sensei would say, cynicism is neither youthful nor hip. Don't you have anything that's important to you?"

"I live only to kill," hissed Gaara.

Lee took a couple of steps backward. "Um... ok... not quite the answer I was expecting..."

Gaara of the Desert said nothing, only glared at Lee.

Lee, unsure what else to do in this situation, glared back.

Gaara took a step forward, then another, closing the gap between them. "I find myself attracted to you, and I don't know why."

"I feel light and happy, but I have no emotional attachments to you!" Lee gasped, horrified. He realized, you see, that he was going to kiss Gaara, and he had no control over this whatsoever. The green-clad boy leaned forward, and, instead of a mouthful of Gaara, got a mouthful of sand.

The red-haired boy woke from the attack with a start, hugging his gourd like a shipwreck victim hugs a floatation device. "Thank you, oh magical protective shield sand!"

Just then, Sakura and Kakashi's Lemon Patrol (made up of whoever felt like tagging along) arrived. The overwhelmingly-pink girl rushed to the coughing Lee's side, mouthwash in hand. "Here! Get the sand out of your mouth."

"Sakura-chan," Lee turned bright red in the most embarrassing moment of his life, "I (cough cough) this isn't (cough hack cough) who I am! Don't get the wrong idea (cough cough cough)" the poor boy hastened to clarify.

His crush patted his arm kindly. "Just worry about that sand in your mouth. I know it wasn't your fault. I've done stuff I'm not proud of, too."

"Yeah," smirked Kakashi. "In fact, she did stuff she wasn't proud of on the way out here."

"Sensei!" Sakura gasped, turning a shade of red to rival Lee's blush, "you said you wouldn't tell!"

Gaara, meanwhile, had disappeared. He wasn't gone, he was just buried under his sister.

"Ah! I'm so sorry! I'm a horrible sister!" Temari wailed, squeezing the air out of poor Gaara. "How could I let this happen to my baby brother?"

"Gosh, 'Mari, give him some air," Kankuro laughed. "Look, you hurt the little bugger."

True, Gaara was crying, but more out of happiness than pain. "You've... never hugged me before," he whispered in shock. A tear ran down Temari's cheek.

"I'm a horrible sister," she repeated quietly. "I should be taking care of you two... and I've never even hugged my own little brother,"

Gaara kissed her, and Temari whipped out her fan and smacked the boy upside the head with it, sending him flying into a wall. "Boy, you stop that! We ain't the Hyuugas! We ain't the Uchihas!" (Itachi, who, it just so happens, was trapped in a nearby building, took issue with this, but was unable to stand up for his clan against the desert girl, as he was standing up for his clan against the snake man.) "The Sand Siblings have our dignity! I will not have a brother of mine stoop to incest!"

"It would seem Temari of the Sand has an unusual resistance to Lemon attacks," Kakashi observed. "Eh, Sakura? ... Sakura?"

Sakura and Lee had slipped off into their own world, not too long ago, since their clothes were still on... for the time being. Good thing, too, for Kakashi was prevented from doing anything about this by a giant fan whacking against his back.

"What the hell is wrong with you? Don't jinx me!" Temari screamed at him. "I've had enough of this screwed up town! I'm taking my family and leaving, and if any of you had any sense, you would too!" she announced, pointing an accusing finger around the assembled crowd of Lemon Squad-ers. "Kankuro! Gaara! Back to the hotel! Pack your suitcases!"

Awoken by Temari's barrage, Lee ran for Gai. "Gai-sensei! I've done something horribly unyouthful!"

"I thought you liked me anyway," Sakura muttered sullenly, feeling insulted.

"Don't mention it again, Lee!" Gai told his prodigy. "Give me a hug!"

Kakashi tackled him, knocking his rival away from the boy. "Stay away from that poor minor!" Within minutes the men were engaged in a suggestive-looking wrestling match.

Sakura and Lee turned green. Temari, looking a little sick herself, reached out her hands to cover the eyes of Kankuro and Gaara, standing on either side of her. "Come away, boys, we need to get back to the PG-rated streets of Suna."

* * *

Gaara returned an hour later, alone, with a suitcase, to find Gai and Kakashi separated. "Temari says I have to wait here, because I'm the one attracting the attacks on her and Kankuro."

"Why didn't you just kill her and go it alone?" Lee asked.

"She's my sister. I can't kill my sister."

"I thought you lived only to kill," Lee muttered sarcastically.

"Shut up, you Beatle wannabe."

Kakashi winced and turned to Gai. "Having the desert boy is not going to help matters. He's an obvious target, with his angstyness and his fuzzy hair and his cute liddle nosy and , LEE! Get away from him!"

Temari and Kankuro limped into the practice court, leaning against one another. "It would have done an _awful_ lot for the relations between our villages if you had told us that Konoha was_ entirely surrounded,_" growled Temari tiredly.

"Ha! Take that, you little desert bitch!" yelled someone out a nearby window. "Teach you to mock Uchihacest! AK!" the yelling cut off abruptly as though the man had been yanked back into a room, probably to be molested.

Sakura blinked up at the window the voice had come from. She could have sworn she had seen Sasuke... a sure sign she was going crazy. But it reminded her of something she had once read, and, fully aware of Kankuro and Lee staring at her butt, Sakura excused herself and ran to the library, to research the jutsu that she knew would be the best use for her chakra.

* * *

Our intrepid heros began to set up camp for the night, preparing their ramen over the fire, sitting as far away from each other as possible and remarking how unnatural it was that there was no game in the forest, no fish in the streams, and only those date-rape oranges growing on the trees (which weren't even orange trees!).

Sasuke stirred the fire gently, watching it turn blue and purple. It took him a couple of seconds to realize this was unusual, long enough for the miniature form of his well-known comrade Sakura to appear before him in the fire.

"Help me, Uchiha Sasuke," she pleaded, staring at a fixed point ahead of her, clearly unable to see Sasuke. "You're my only hope. For years, we have been companions at the Ninja Academy. Now I beg you to help me in our struggle against the Lemon Writers. I regret that I am unable to deliver this message to you in person, but my Village has fallen under attack, and I'm afraid that my mission to assist you and Naruto has failed. I am sending information vital to the overthrow of the Kage of LemonPeelgakure to you. Naruto will know how to retrieve it (he's best with my handwriting). You must overthrow the Kage and return peace to Konoha. This is our most desperate hour. Help me, Uchiha Sasuke, you're my only hope. Help—,"

Sasuke leaned closer to the fire. Konoha, under attack? Great, he couldn't leave anybody alone for five minutes. The little Sakura held a scroll up, as though handing it to him, but her image flickered. "Help me, Uchiha Sasuke," she repeated. A door slamming echoed in the background, and she looked over her shoulder, and screamed. "Shikamaru! What are you doing here? Why are you wearing that?"

The scroll dropped from her hands, and the image flickered out, and never returned.

"Yo, pretty-boy!" snapped Zabuza, sick of watching the kettle boil over and too afraid of contact with the others to get the water himself. "What are you staring at?"

Sasuke glanced around him. "Uh... nothing. Nothing at all," he lied.

* * *

Iruka had been returned to his bedroom where Hinata and Neji were watching him, hoping for signs of improvement, so Neji wouldn't get charged with anything too serious. (The hospital was too crowded to take him. This was odd, since Lemon attacks are rarely physically harmful, but t'is a Law of Nature that when a village is under siege, its hospitals are crowded.) So far, their teacher had done nothing but stare cross-eyed at the wall and mumbled incoherently.

Kakashi poked his head into the room where the cousins were keeping their silent vigil. "You kids look tired. Why don't you go join Sakura and get some sleep. I'll watch him."

Hinata thanked him with a yawn and shook Neji from his doze, and they slipped into the living room, where Sakura was already sleeping on the floor, her chakra too exhausted to try to reach Sasuke again, her nerves too frazzled from fending off Shikamaru, and from learning that he had only been looking for Ino, thank God. Within minutes, all three were fast asleep.

Kakashi took a seat next to his students' beloved teacher. "Hey, there, Iruka. Look, don't take things too hard on Neji. He was just trying to look out for Hina. They didn't know that about the Attack. Poor Hinata, the poor girl was practically in tears when she found out what had happened,"

Iruka mumbled something. Kakashi leaned closer to hear. "What's that?"

Iruka mumbled again, a stream of nonsense words and slurs.

"Pardon me?" Kakashi asked again.

"My point..." Iruka seemed to lose his train of thought, and sought frantically to find it, "my point is..." he paused to take a deep breath. "Dolphins!"

"Yes, dear," his caretaker said reassuringly, calming the patient down by patting his arm. "You get some rest now, ok? Kakashi will keep you safe."

Iruka smiled like a little kid and rested back on his pillow. Under his face-cover, Kakashi smiled, too. The Ninja Academy's teacher sure was cute.


	4. Book 4: Slash

The Ninja of the Night and the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels

Book 4: Slash

A/N: For my own ego's sake, I'd like to let you all know that none of the original characters in this are based on me. I'd also like to warn you that the cliches are coming hard and fast from here on out.

* * *

The figure's hand, manicured to an eerie perfection, reached towards him. He struggled to get away, but he was frozen, unable to move. "I want your body," the demon whispered, its eyes glowing with evil intentions, "... Sasuke-kun!"

"NOOOOOOOO! Inooooooo!" Sasuke screamed, waking in a cold sweat. Just a dream... there weren't any crazy fangirls actually lurking in the woods around the camp... where there?

Naruto awoke to Sasuke doing what he referred to as "Hinata-finger no jutsu". "What do you want?"

"I... I had a nightmare," his friend whispered. "Could I sleep with you?"

Naruto laughed and tried to make room in his sleeping bag. "Of course."

* * *

"OW!" Haku gasped, pulling a needle out of his side. "Stupid fricking--," muttering a variety of un-Haku-like swearwords, he stood up to find the first aid kit, and tripped over the Naru-Sasu sleeping bag.

"AAAAAAH!"

Zabuza bolted awake. "FOOTBALL PRACTICE!"

"Zabuza-sama, make Sasuke put his shirt back on!"

Zabuza suddenly became aware that he couldn't see anything. Upon examination he realized this was because a pair of orange pants were covering his face. "First rule of survival in LemonLand, NEVER TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF."

"Yeah, I'll keep that in mind," Naruto muttered sarcastically as he and Sasuke huddled under the sleeping bag, trying to cover anything that may otherwise have been exposed, all the while searching for their missing clothing.

"I've said this before and been shot down," Haku started, "But I'm just going to throw it out there one last time. Do you want to skip sleeping tonight and just keep walking?"

Naruto and Sasuke glanced at each other sideways. "You know, you may be on to something there."

* * *

"I spy with my byakugan eye... a bright pink thong," Neji said. He and Hinata, not ones to be bogged down by the lemony chaos of their village, were sitting on the step of Iruka's house playing a game they had made up, and an amusing game it was, too.

Hinata giggled. "Miato Gai. Um... I spy with my byakugan eye... some shonen-ai... Whoa... that entire line rhymed."

* * *

On a small ridge, the bushes and tree parted, and, for the first time, Sasuke got proof that Naruto wasn't randomly inventing quests to nonexistent places. There, below them, were the walls of a city.

"Behold," Naruto announced dramatically, "Lemonpeelgakure; The Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels." (Folks, this is your captain speaking, we have a title!)

"If this turns out to be Konoha, and we've been wandering in circles, I'm gonna laugh so hard," Sasuke whispered to Zabuza as they followed Naruto over the hill.

A popping sound, like a balloon bursting, or air rushing into the vacuum created by the sudden disappearance of an object, echoed through the woods. Naruto, Sasuke, and Zabuza instinctively turned to the noise's source, behind them.

"What's going on?" Haku whimpered. "Why do I suddenly have peripheral vision?" His hand flew to his face, noting instantly that the mask that should have stopped him from doing this was no longer a part of his wardrobe. Panicking, he curled into a fetal position, his hands covering his face. "Don't look at me! Don't ever look at me!"

"Yeesh, it's not like you're deformed or something," Zabuza and Naruto muttered.

"I know! That's the point!" shrieked the Haku-ball.

"Oh, come on, the three of us have gone all this way without masks and we've done fine."

Sasuke, never much of a talker anyway, had wandered off into his own little world. "You know what would make a really cute fic? If I started wearing a mask all the time, and nobody could figure out why, but it turns out that something really weird happened, and I was deformed and afraid nobody would love me... but Naruto found out, and he was all like, "it's ok" and,"

Naruto stopped dead in his tracks, marched back up the hill, and grabbed Sasuke by the shoulders. "Are you out of your mind? Don't give Them ideas!"

Sasuke shrugged. "I just thought it'd be cute, that's all."

"Maybe there's something in that Sasuke's gay theory of yours, Naruto," Zabuza commented.

"Nah," Naruto grinned uncertainly. "That's crazy... he's being sarcastic. It's just good old sarcastic bastard Sasuke and his wacky sense of humor," the little blond stuttered, beginning to shake his teammate roughly. "Say it! You're joking, Sasuke, you have to be joking!"

"Stop shaking me, Naruto, I was only thinking out loud. It'd really work just as well with SasuSaku,"

"SasuSaku?" Haku asked, slowly uncurling. "What does that even mean?"

"Yeah," Sasuke continued, his eyes getting kind of glazed. "Actually, I can see the attraction of writing pairings... it's a challenge. Lee and Gaara for example..."

"Sasuke," Naruto started, unsure what to say.

"Think about the planning that would have to go into that to make it realistic... you'd have to have a plausible reason for them to be together, then you'd have to get them talking... unless you made it a rape fic..."

"He's become _one of them_!" gasped Zabuza. Naruto renewed his shaking efforts.

"Sasuke, snap out of it!"

"Now that I think about it, Gai always did strike me as the child-molester type," Sasuke continued to muse as Naruto held up three fingers. He lowered them slowly one by one,

Three...

Two...

One...

"AHGK!"

* * *

"Sorry, kid, it's for your own good," Zabuza explained to Sasuke as the remaining three dragged the bound hand-and-foot and gagged fanfiction fan along behind them.

"Murffle!" Sasuke responded.

"It's no good trying to talk through that gag," Zabuza continued.

"MURFFLE!" Sasuke repeated, trying desperately to nod his head towards the two kids who were walking in front.

Fortunately, Zabuza saw the captive's point. "HAKU! NARUTO! Get away from each other!"

"We're trying!" objected Naruto, all the while walking and hugging Haku. "As you get closer to the Village, the attackers stop worrying about plots and just make you attracted to whoever you can see! The four of us are like Yaoi magnets at this point."

"Murffle," Sasuke muttered.

* * *

Sakura woke up on the floor of a strange house, but was gratified to find her clothes on and herself alone. Yawning, she remembered the events of the night before, and went to check on Iruka and the Hyuuga cousins.

But the Hyuuga cousins weren't with Iruka. Kakashi was. In more than one sense of the word "with".

"AIEEEEEEE!" shrieked Sakura, slamming the door shut. "I saw nothing!" she assured the two teachers, deciding it was too early in the morning to deal with lemons, and going outside to the find out what Neji and Hinata were up to.

* * *

Concealed in a very handy ditch, Naruto, Zabuza, and Haku poked their heads over the bank to observe the imposing walls of LemonPeelgakure. The fortress's gate was heavily guarded by burly looking men in kinky leather outfits, and more of these guards were visible from atop the wall from time to time.

Faced by the daunting task of sneaking in, locating the Kage, destroying this no-doubt formidable opponent, and escaping without being caught, (Naruto considered this revenge enough: the loss of their leader would throw the Lemonpeelers into chaos, preventing counter-revenge attacks for some time), the company was struck speechless.

"So... how do we get in?" Sasuke asked, poking his head up next to them.

"Sasuke! How did you get untied?" Naruto asked, amazed.

"Any good ninja can free himself from a simple rope, dunce. Now, we've gotten out here, what's next? You're the leader, tell us, what shall our next move be?" he asked tauntingly, obviously challenging Naruto to come up with something.

"Leave it to me. I've got an attack no Writer could resist," Naruto grinned. "Just sneak in while they're busy with me. I'll meet you guys inside." And with that, he jumped up out of the ditch, running up to the gate.

"Yoo-hoo!" he shouted, grabbing the guards' attention as he preformed his best and favorite technique, his shadow clone jutsu. Within seconds, scores of Narutos littered the area.

"It's a cute trick and all," Zabuza muttered, "But we can't exactly sneak in on that alone."

"Isn't that just going to call more attention to the walls?" Haku asked uncertainly. "We'd've had a better chance waiting for nightfall..."

Sasuke shook his head. "The idiot. He's going to get us molested."

Naruto, however, wasn't done. Another hand motion, and the Narutos turned into a bevy of blond, pigtailed, bare naked ladies, who began making out... not with the guards, but with one another. It was like a clip from Sailor Moons Gone Wild.

"Wow..." breathed Haku, his eyes widening. "That's... that's..."

"The boy is a genius," Zabuza declared.

Sasuke ripped his eyes away from Naruto's Sexy no Jutsu, admitting to himself that it was a handy technique, after all. "Come on... we need to sneak in while they're distracted... I mean... his chakra can't last forever... well, maybe just a few more minutes..."

* * *

It took discipline, but the three did manage to leave the scene of Naruto's latest triumph and break into the Village, where they promptly became lost looking for the town hall, where the Kage most definitely was. However, they found their way there, because a troupe of guards walked past them, leading a prisoner. Naruto.

"So... you guys didn't like my Ninja Yuri attack, huh?" he asked nervously, only to have one of the guards hit him upside the head, making him stumble.

"Silence!"

Hidden behind a dumpster in an alleyway, Sasuke, Zabuza, and Haku started, as if to jump their friend's assailant, but all three checked themselves, deciding it would be more prudent to follow at a distance.

It was in this manner that they snuck into the prison, a row of cells that took up the basement of the Town hall. The guards, after giving Naruto a hearty amount of kicks and bruises, left him there to await the HentaiKage's judgement.

It was then that the three emerged from their hiding places, crowding around Naruto's cell, two of them concerned, one of them fed up.

"Are you all right?" the two concerned ones asked in so many words. Naruto, lying face down on the floor, didn't respond.

"I can't say it doesn't serve you right," Sasuke snorted. "This whole thing was your stupid idea."

"You're right, Sasuke," Naruto moaned from the floor.

"I mean–, wait, what?"

"I said you're right, Sasuke. This was stupid. I'm sorry I dragged you three out here... just leave me."

"Hey, come on, kid, don't talk like that," Zabuza said encouragingly.

"No. I've put you in enough danger. Get out of here."

Even Sasuke was a little concerned by this sudden change in his teammate. He knelt down next to the bars of the cell. "Naruto, I didn't mean—, I was just,"

Finally, weakly, Naruto raised his head to look at the three of them, and they could see he was crying. "I only wish Master Kakashi had been able to see that attack... he would have been so proud..."

In spite of himself, tears welled up in Sasuke's eyes, and he forced a smile at Naruto. "He would have loved it..."

"Do me a favor, Sasuke..." Naruto begged, stretching a hand out through the bars. "Tell him about it when you get home."

Sasuke took Naruto's hand. "No. It's these perverted bastards' fault that he was busy screwing Sakura rather than out here with us. We're going to pay them back. And then we're going to get you out of here, and you're going to tell him yourself. I promise."

"That doesn't sound like Sasuke talking," Haku whispered to Zabuza.

"You're right. It sounds like _fanfiction_ Sasuke."

"Their own magic is working against them... on his own, Sasuke would have left Naruto here... but under the influence of a Lemon attack,"

Footsteps began to approach down the hall. Sasuke sprang up, followed by the two others. "Come on, we need to _talk_ with the HentaiKage."

* * *

Emboldened by his mission, Sasuke lead the way, sneaking past the ranks of writers: little apprentice Flamers, still learning how to type; Preteen Fangirls (the equal to the rank of Genin), whose piercing squee struck fear in the heart of their opponents; Readers, Chunin-types with their faves list full to capacity and a review for every story, and the fearsome Hardcore Otakus, Jounin who carried printed sheets of facts and statistics, pictures of their favorite characters, and notebooks full of gorgeous fanart and complex, novel-like fics.

Two of these latter guarded the ornate doors that lead to the HentaiKage, and, not wanting to tangle with them, Sasuke and his group took shelter behind a nearby potted palm tree to think up a strategy.

They were still stumped when a dark haired man approached the two bodyguards. He couldn't have been more than eighteen, yet he must have been very important, because he was not dressed as a regular guard, but was instead wearing plaid boxer shorts, a Cowboy Bebop t-shirt, and a hat made from a used ramen cup. On the other hand, it could be that he had woken up late that morning and hadn't had time to dress. Either way, he was leading Naruto, who was unable to move because of the hot pink fuzzy hand cuffs on his wrists and ankles.

The two Jounin perked up when they saw him. "Yo," one greeted, flipping her long blond braid over her shoulder. Her counterpart was too busy sketching to brush her shoulder length orange-red hair out of her eyes, let alone look up. At first, Zabuza and Haku had suggested that she would be the weakest of the two links (especially as she was wearing costume fairy wings), but Sasuke, thinking of former battles with Kakashi, had vetoed this.

"Uh, I'm supposed to take this kid to see the Great Hentai," the be-boxered man explained, pointing at Naruto, who was determined to make as much noise as possible.

"I'm not just some kid!" he objected. "I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and someday I'm gonna be the Hokage of Konoha, and then I'm gonna take your wimpy little village down, so be ready!"

The drawing girl's head snapped up, her blue eyes widening to a golfball-size. "Naruto?" she squealed, going back to her days as a fangirl. "THE Naruto? Really?"

"Believe it!" Naruto confirmed.

"Oh my god, do you mind posing for me?" the bodyguard gasped. "I've been trying really really hard to draw you, and it hasn't been coming out right at all, and if you don't mind," she continued, leading Naruto over to a set of stairs a ways away and posing him.

"Uh, he's supposed to see the Hentai," Naruto's guard tried to remind them, following.

"Don't worry about it," shrugged the blond. "There's no hurry... and the Great Hentai is _busy_ right now," she added, glancing briefly but significantly over at the potted plant our heros were hidden behind. The next instant, she had abandoned her post to watch the sketching.

"Did that seem a little ominous to anyone else?" Zabuza asked as they tiptoed up to the door, working together to pull the huge portal open.


	5. Book 5: Hentai

The Ninja of the Night and The Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels

Book 5: Hentai

* * *

The heavy wooden doors slammed behind the trio, locking them in a huge chamber with blood red curtains covering the walls, a floor of black onyx tiles so shiny you could see the ceiling... or rather, the gloom that hid the ceiling. Torches in black sconces gave an eerie orange sheen to the whole set up. The only furniture was in the center of the room, where, on a raised dais, a dark, ornate throne with two tall torches standing on either side held a woman pecking away at the keys of a laptop, typing up something that was written in the notebook on her lap. Without looking at her guests, she hit a few buttons, folded up the computer and stood, carefully placing the laptop, then the notebook, on top of each other on the seat behind her. She took off her glasses next, folding them up and placing them on the stack. Then, slowly, she descended from the platform. "Welcome, Uchiha Sasuke, Zabuza the Demon, and Haku of the Mists. I have been expecting you."

"Then you are prepared to die," Sasuke smirked casually, although sizing up his adversary in awe. The HentaiKage was an imposing figure, and not just because scantily-clad women are intimidating to teenage boys. She was dressed in a black corset, with a black leather miniskirt that seemed to defy some law of physics, although he couldn't say which one. Her black metal shinguards clashed oddly with her standard blue ninja shoes, from beneath which red-painted toenails poked out. The only other mark Sasuke associated with the leader of a Hidden Village was her headband, which was tied to her left thigh and had the insignia of LemonPeelgakure inscribed on it; a heart with a line drawn half through it. At first, he thought that she was wearing a floor length black cloak, but this turned out to be her hair. Red-purple eyes stared at him calmly.

More important, however, was that she didn't have a weapon on her. Of course, most would assume that this was because she had more powerful attacks at her disposal, but Squad 7's motto was that underestimating your opponent made things much more interesting.

"Enough of the preliminary chit-chat," muttered Zabuza, unslinging his ax. "I've been stuck out in those woods for days battling an enemy I can't see, we finally get to something I can fight, and I'm not in the mood to sit around talking."

The Kage laughed. "Why did you two have to die?" she sighed to herself. "I was rather fond of you."

Taking advantage of her preoccupation, the three avengers sprang into action, pulling out their various weapons while circling around and leaping towards their enemy.

"Stop!" she commanded without missing a beat. So fast it was almost impossible to see her move, she preformed a few hand signs, then threw her arms out, and all three of her assailants slammed into the walls. "Do not think you can defeat me so easily. My jutsu is unlike any you have encountered. It manipulates the hormones and chakra inside my opponent, allowing me to control them from the inside out. You had trouble with the barrier spells surrounding the village, you cannot handle me in person."

Sasuke very quietly activated his Sharingan and picked himself up, preparing for a rematch.

"Save yourself some pain and put those things away, boy," the HentaiKage advised, beginning another set of hand signs. "You'll only make it harder on yourself."

"Don't worry about me, watch your own back," Sasuke retorted, mimicking her perfectly.

With both of their attacks complete, the Kage smiled. "Your attack is meaningless. I already like boys." Sasuke went pale green. "Now, will you take my advice and stop with the eyes? You look like your brother with them and it's creeping me out."

It wasn't that he wanted to obey her request, it was that he was so startled that his Sharingan disappeared on their own. "You know Itachi?"

"Any good Writer has a working knowledge of the characters connected to her favorite targets."

"I see, and I'm one of your favorites?" Sasuke growled, unsure whether to be flattered or scared.

"Actually, I was thinking of the Akatsuki," she shrugged, hitting him with an attack that rooted him to the spot. "Why are you fighting so hard, child?" she purred, walking up to her frozen victim and running a hand over his cheek. "I have been watching you ever since you entered my lands, and there is no doubt."

Sasuke jerked his head away, causing the Kage to laugh. "You know what I mean. I can see it in your eyes. You want the power that I possess. You want to know my secrets. You've resisted going on this quest from the beginning, and this is why; at heart, you are a true Writer."

"No," Sasuke whispered, but he sounded unsure.

"Oh, yes. And you have the potential to be great. Join me. None of my followers are talented enough to take over my role as HentaiKage when I move on; but you... you would make a Writer worthy of my title. Come, Sasuke, say the word, and all my power will be yours,"

Only one of the avengers had not been thrown against one of the walls, and that was Haku. He had actually hit against the throne in the center of the room, and he hadn't moved since.

Now, as Zabuza would be quick to brag, nobody can analyze a battle faster than Haku, and it was obvious to the boy that they were up against a force that required different tactics than your traditional shinobi styles. He placed one hand on the seat of the throne, hoping to prop himself up, and found the stack of writing materials; the glasses, the laptop, and the notebook. It was the notebook that he picked up. He flipped through it, catching phrases here and there, mostly of a nature that made him blush crimson.

Sasuke hesitated, staring at the HentaiKage, who continued to smile. "Sasuke, a natural talent like yours is not meant to be squandered. Join me."

Haku slammed the notebook closed and held it out over a torch. The Kage screamed when it caught fire as though she felt the pain herself and turned around quickly, abandoning Sasuke to save her precious writing. With a speed borne of desperation, she knocked the notebook to the ground and smothered the flame with a hand motion.

For a second, all four stared at the smouldering paper. The Kage shrieked with rage and slammed a fist into Haku's stomach, knocking him off the dias and down on the ground. "You androgynous little bitch! You'll pay for that!" she screamed, beginning a sinister-looking series of kotas.

Before he could think about the possible consequences of his actions, Zabuza sprang back to his feet, launching himself at the Kage and getting close enough to stab her in the back with a kunai, growling, "Leave Haku alone!" into her ear.

The Kage glared at him, more in annoyance than pain. "Yeah, and you expect us to believe that you two _aren't_ screwing each other?" she laughed bitterly, throwing the angry ninja off her with an inhuman strength.

It bought enough time for Haku to struggle to his feet and snatch the glasses off the throne. "If you touch Zabuza-sama, I'll smash them into a million pieces!" he threatened boldly.

The Kage turned to him again, and broke into laughter.

"I'm not joking!" Haku said, bending the frames.

"Go ahead, boy," sneered the woman. Haku hesitated, and she froze him with the same jutsu she had used on Sasuke and retrieved her glasses. Before their eyes, she snapped them into pieces. "I only wear them because I like the way they look. I bought them at Dollar General, if you must know. As a matter of fact, it's the same store where I got my notebook, only the notebook is much, much more valuable. Which reminds me, you still have to pay for what you did to my work."

Thinking fast, Haku used his last card, his true secret move, one that he had developed as a scared little orphan boy on the mean streets of ... well, where ever. He whimpered, looking up at his angry opponent with tear-filled eyes and a weak smile. "Pl-please, don't hurt the others," he whispered. "My life doesn't matter, but,"

The Kage stopped, surprise in her eyes. Haku would have preferred pity, but as long as she stopped. "That jutsu," she whispered.

"Jutsu?" Haku asked.

"Yes, that technique. Where did you learn it? My top Mary Sues spend years and years mastering that technique."

"It's a technique? I just use it when Zabuza won't buy me ice cream,"

"You mean, you had no training?"

"No."

"Amazing... that one so young could master such a skill, and untrained... Tragic no Jutsu is an art few can even begin to use. I have underestimated you, Haku of the Mists. A prodigy like yourself is one in a million, no, not even that, one in a trillion. You have to develop this talent. You and Sasuke both show astounding potential... you two could be the greatest Writer Ninja ever to set fingers to keyboard."

Sasuke, still rooted to the spot, heard something rustle behind him, he thought about looking back, but something advised him against it. Out of the corner of his eye, while the Kage talked to and about Haku, he watched a little lump move around the room, hidden underneath the red curtains.

"What do you say?" The Kage continued, recovering her composure and silky voice. "Will you join me?"

"Never!" Haku and Sasuke shouted with one voice.

"Think it over," she advised. "Haku, you know this battle is mismatched. I could kill you in seconds... _all_ of you," she looked pointedly over at Zabuza.

Seeing the turn this conversation was taking, Zabuza, who hadn't quite recovered from his last bout with the Kage, gasped out, "Haku, don't! It's not worth—,"

"Silence!" ordered the Kage, hitting him with a jutsu that clamped the meddler's jaw shut. "All I ask is that you train with me, and he will live."

Haku bit his lip, and the HentaiKage, seeing she had made a hit, turned to Sasuke. "And you. You have a mission in life, don't you? A blood oath... someone to kill. Itachi knows the skills you have learned in Konoha, and he knows them better than you. If you ever hope to avenge yourself, you will need to learn something he cannot defend against... I can guarantee he does not know the techniques I will teach you."

Sasuke tried to take a step forward, but was still frozen to the floor. Even in the dim torchlight, you could see the desire on his face. "I-,"

"All right, that's enough!" Naruto burst from behind the curtains, completing the circle around the Kage; Sasuke before the door, Haku across from him on the throne, and Zabuza and Naruto on either side. "You have officially hit the Lowest of the Low, Ms. Kage! How dare you use Sasuke's inexplicable hatred of his brother,"

"It's not inexplicable!" Sasuke protested.

"I said," Naruto repeated, clearing his throat, "How dare you use Sasuke's inexplicable hatred of his brother to draw him into your twisted web of Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll? I demand that you release my friends so we can kick your ass!"

"No, Naruto," Sasuke said, interrupting in that same, strange voice he had used in the LemonPeel dungeons. "If this is what I must do to defeat Itachi,"

"Oh, shut up about your damn brother for once in your life!" Naruto demanded. "I get freaking sick of listening to you whine! We've all got problems here, we don't act like total morons because of it!"

Sasuke woke up, and the Kage swore under her breath. She had, of course, been working her jutsu on the dark-haired boy. "All right, Naruto. You've been ruining my plans for far too long." She started in on him, making some hand signs the others had seen earlier.

"Naruto!" Zabuza yelled, drawing on some last strength to throw the laptop at the boy, just as the Kage rounded on him, freezing him in place as well.

Naruto caught the portable computer.

"Do you want to turn it on?" purred the Kage smoothly, hiding her signs of nervousness well. "You'll find some cute stories in there... who knows, maybe you'll find a pairing you really like... NaruSaku...NaruHina..."

"Don't pull that on me," Naruto snapped. "I know your kind don't write het."

"Oh, but I do!" the Kage said earnestly. "Lemons, that is. Go on, take a peak. A boy your age must be curious. Or maybe you just want to know what a certain young lady is like in bed..."

Naruto's mouth popped open. "No thank you!" he yelled. "I get my kicks as nature intended; from Kakashi-sensei's personal library!"

And with a dramatic yell, he split the laptop in two.

The Kage didn't scream, as she had when Haku set her notebook on fire. Instead, she let out a hollow choking noise. The chamber around them vanished, to be replaced with simpler surroundings; onyx tiles melted to Berber carpet, the dias and throne turned to a bed piled with bright pillows, which Haku immediately sunk into awkwardly, the curtains disappeared from the walls, which turned out to be festooned with posters of anime characters and bookshelves of manga, the torches were replaced with a ceiling light on a ceiling much closer to the floor. All in all, the average teenage bedroom.

"An illusion?" Naruto gasped.

Sasuke jolted forward as the binding spell was lifted. "Her chakra was in the laptop!" he cried, noting the expression on the Kage's face. "We've defeated her."

"All we need to do now is finish the job!" Naruto exclaimed, dropping the laptop to begin a jutsu.

"Your time on this earth has come and gone," Sasuke declared, making a move to join his comrade.

The two Squad 7 proteges attacked swiftly, but the HentaiKage was swifter. She dodged, jumping nimbly onto an open window sill, her broken laptop suddenly in her hands once more. She leaned out over the edge of the window, turning to face the company one last time. "You think you have beaten me, but only for today. The spirit of LemonPeelgakure cannot be killed in a mere battle. I will always be there. Every time Orichimaru wants Sasuke's body, I'll be there. Every time Gai and Lee embrace and run into the sunset, I'll be there. Every time Sasuke steps into the line of fire to save Naruto's life, I'll be there. Look for me when Hinata gives Naruto a gift, when Gaara wants to watch Lee sleep, when Iruka goes looking for his former students. You may not see me, but I will be there. Don't you see? I am only a recorder. _You_ create these pairs." And with that, the HentaiKage, the Pervert Shadow, the leader of the Village Hidden in the LemonPeels leapt from the window, and disappeared.

Haku managed to disentangle himself from the pillows and hop to his feet, all the while staring out the window. "Do you think she's right? Do we really pair off on our own?"

Sasuke shook his head, whispering, "of course not. How would that explain crack pairings, like GaaSaku?"

"What the hell is GaaSaku?" Naruto asked.

"You don't want to know."

Naruto looked at him funny, but decided Sasuke was right. "Pairings happen, whatever the cause," he said sagely. "All characters like us can do is keep on trucking."

* * *

In Konoha, the clouds seemed to have parted.

Not literally, of course. It was an unusually sunny day, but the pall that seemed to hang over the town during the siege had lifted, giving the whole place the atmosphere found after a particularly severe thunderstorm has passed by.

The crowd in front of the Hokage's office finally got to speak to their leader, when an irate Tsunade power-flicked the old man through the doors and into the hands of the angry mob.

Sakura, left alone through some miracle, had been wandering the streets, trying to break up pairings on her own, but failing. She returned to Iruka's house, to find Hinata and Neji leaving, both fastening as many buttons as they could find on their jackets, both beet red.

"My father _can't_ find out about this," Hinata was saying.

"_Nobody_ can find out about this," Neji shuddered.

"Find out about what?" Sakura asked.

"NOTHING!" screamed the cousins.

Iruka and Kakashi emerged next. "Uh... hey, kids...uh...looks like the LemonPeelers are gone... why don't we... uh..go find everybody?"

"Yeah, good idea!" the Hyuugas agreed eagerly. "Let's go!"

* * *

Ino and Tenten were still holed up in the bathhouse. In fact, they had barricaded the doors and were huddled in a corner, preparing to ward off Jirayah, Anko, Kurenai, Asuma, Gai, Shikamaru, and Lee (all of who had tried to break in at some point) clad only in their bathrobes.

The furniture against the door splintered as someone hit the door.

"They're breaking in!" shrieked Ino.

"What are we gonna do?" Tenten yelled.

"I don't know!"

"Oh, God, please don't rape us!" Tenten pleaded with the intruders. "I've seen after-school specials strangely similar to this, and they never turn out well for the victemous young heroine like me!"

The doors finally gave in, and Sakura poked her head in. "I'm not going to rape you. The attack is over!"

Ino and Tenten looked at each other, unsure if this was a trick.

Hinata joined Sakura. "Don't worry!" she said. "Kakashi and Iruka and Neji are totally killing all those creepy stalker people we found outside the door!"

Once again, the two trapped kunoichi exchanged glances.

"Neji! Wait for me!" Tenten exclaimed, running for the door with Ino. "I want to kick some pervert ass!"

"Silly boys!" Ino yelled, joining the fray. "Jutsu is for girls!"

* * *

A/N: Stick with me. One more chapter to go... and it has a twist! After all, you don't think that the Writers backed off just because the Kage went down, do you?


	6. Book 6: NO PAIRINGS

The Ninja of the Night and the Village Hidden in the Lemon Peels

Book 6: NO PAIRINGS

* * *

Earlier that day, Temari and Kankuro had done something that they knew they really shouldn't have. They lost track of Gaara. Bad enough in itself to completely lose your little brother in the middle of a town besieged by lemons, what was worse was that they had lost him because they _let_ him wander off.

"It was probably a bad idea," Temari mused, in retrospect. "I mean, we know the kid is really vulnerable. He gets attacked practically every time he looks at someone sideways."

"Ok, ok, so I shouldn't have let him go buy ice cream on his own. Sue me," Kankuro snapped at her. The two Sand nins were discussing their problem with two-thirds of Team Asuma, who at the time had been looking for Ino. She, apparently, had been missing since the alert was sounded.

"Eh, he wouldn't have been any safer with you two," Chouji shrugged. "These people love incest. You should see what the Hyuugas are going through. Pretty kinky."

"Actually, I don't think we've ever been hit with an Incest," Kankuro said.

"Really?" Shikamaru asked.

"Yeah," nodded Temari. "They usually leave us alone... although Gaara has been through some pretty rough stuff. That's why we're worried, you see."

A rather perverse grin curled on Shikamaru's lips. "Hey, do you want help looking for him?"

"Oh, you wouldn't mind, would you?" simpered Temari. "I'm _so_ worried, and I don't feel safe out here with all the Lemons,"

Kankuro shot a disgusted/puzzled look at his sister. Temari... simpering? Asking for help? Worried about Gaara? Scared? Something was wrong here, but before he could decided just what it was, Shikamaru and Temari had set off to find a sleazy hotel.

"We probably should have woken them up," Chouji said, looking over at Kankuro. "Hey, do you want to--?"

"Yeah. Let's go."

* * *

But, back to the present;

Itachi shot out of Orichimaru's lair like a human cannonball; straight into the arms of his long-time companion, Kisame.

"Hey there, sugar," the blue-skinned man laughed, holding the quivering molestee. "We've been looking all over for you. Did you find your brother?"

Itachi shook his head, looking haunted.

Kisame laughed. "But you found someone else, huh? Have you been under attack all this time? Most of the other spells were broken a couple hours ago. Guess you just got hit hard. Oh, gross, has someone been _licking_ you? You're all... sticky."

* * *

It took Naruto, Sasuke, Haku, and Zabuza a good deal less time to get back to Konoha than it did to get to LemonPeel. In fact, by the evening of the morning they had defeated the HentaiKage, they were at the pearly... er, wooden gates.

They opened, not to let the Heros in, but to let out Itachi, who was holding himself stiffly, like he was covered in something disgusting and didn't want to touch it, and twitching compulsively.

Naruto, Zabuza, and Haku jumped to hold Sasuke back, and it took all three of them to restrain him.

"YOU!" the preteen avenger shrieked.

Itachi, twitching like a madman, turned. "Sasuke? What are you doing out here?"

"What are _you_ doing in _there_?"

"I was... I was... I was trying to do something noble and redeeming by protecting you, brother!" Things began to process in Itachi's brain. "And you were safe and sound out here the whole time! So ... all of it... all the inappropriate touching... it was pointless!"

With a violent jerk, Sasuke freed himself, launching towards his brother. "Nii-san!"

Naruto, Zabuza, and Haku winced as the two Uchihas collided... but when they opened their eyes, they saw, rather than Sasuke lying in a pool of his own blood, defeated by his own hotheadedness, the brothers embracing.

"Uh... Sasuke? Wake up?" Naruto suggested quietly.

"It doesn't look like a full-scale lemon," Zabuza, who by this point was an expert, said knowledgeably.

"The HentaiKage's notebook had plans for a siege of Konoha in it," said Haku. "It looks like they've retreated, but this could be an after effect of all those attacks in one place. It should wear off on its own."

Itachi finally released his little brother, ruffling his hair fondly. "Take care of yourself, ok, Sasuke-chan?"

He walked off, and Naruto felt it was safe to interrupt. "You done, Sasuke? Can we get back home now?"

Sasuke nodded. "Yeah. Sorry about that. I got hit with a little angst."

Naruto and Sasuke turned to face Zabuza and Haku. "Well, I guess this is where we say goodbye," Zabuza shrugged.

"You guys would be welcome in Konoha," said Naruto.

"Actually, probably not," Sasuke said. "I think Sakura and Kakashi would have heart attacks."

"Yeah, Sasuke's right..." Naruto agreed. "But it's good to see you!"

"Who knows, maybe we'll meet again someday," Haku smiled, just as a huge ruckus went up inside Konoha. "Looks like they've spotted you from the walls. We'd better go. After what you two have done, I'm sure there'll be a Welcoming Committee out here in no time."

The two of them walked off, and not a moment too soon, for, as Haku had predicted, a Welcoming Committee of overly-excited Kunoichi rushed them.

"Try to restrain yourselves, girls," Sasuke started suavely. "I know I'm dead sexy, but,"

They ignored him and group-glomped Naruto, babbling about how cool he was, saving the village and all, and was it true that he had defeated the HentaiKage single-handedly? Sasuke tried to re-inflate his ego by reminding himself that this was probably another after-effect of the siege.

Watching hidden from a safe distance away, Zabuza and Haku laughed quietly at Sasuke's hurt expression and Naruto's wide-eyed stare, then began their journey.

"Zabuza-sama, where will we go?" Haku asked.

Zabuza thought about it, putting an arm around the boy's shoulders. "We'll open up a restaurant in Santa Fe!"

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke were honored for their contribution to the overthrow of the HentaiKage, of course, but they soon found that they were not the only heros of the hour. A celebration was already in progress, and at the heart of it...

"Ok, ok, stop," Naruto said to Sakura as she led them to the seats of honor. "I understand why you, Kakashi, Hinata, and Neji get seats, since you were the first to discover the attack and helped all those people... but why Chouji and puppet kid?"

"Kankuro," Kankuro corrected.

"Whatever," Naruto shrugged.

"We totally defeated the Lemon army!" Chouji explained between mouthfuls of some Village-wide-celebration food.

"Both of us are completely immune to Lemon attacks," Kankuro elaborated proudly, "so while the blond chick and Gaara were missing, and Temari was off screwing that kid with the pineapple-shaped head, we went out there and beat the crap out of them. Guess they're too busy writing to practice hand-to-hand."

"Even the Mary-Sues didn't know what to do with us," Chouji added. "And none of them could think up a plot line for ChoKan fast enough to put it into action!"

"We're still trying to decide if it's because the two of them are really awesome," Temari said, jumping into the conversation,

"Or really lame," Shikamaru finished. Naruto and Sasuke did a double take. Somewhere along the line, the pair had traded clothes with each other.

"We had to get dressed in a hurry," Temari explained coldly, seeing where they were looking.

"Don't ask." Shikamaru advised.

Rock Lee and Ino joined the table. "Hi, Sasuke. I missed you today at the bathhouse..."

"Ino, get off me."

Lee smiled brightly. "Sakura, do you want to dance?"

Sakura's face lit up. "Lee, I thought you'd never ask!"

The rest watched her uncomfortably, suddenly paranoid. Even Lee looked surprised.

Sakura stuck her tongue out. "Just joking. Stay away from me, freak!"

Everyone burst into laughter, glad things were back to normal.

"Oh, hey, Eyebrow... er, Lee!" Kankuro snapped his fingers, "What happened to Gaara?"

Lee looked at him oddly. "I haven't seen him since this morning."

"But... wasn't he with you?"

"Noooo..."

* * *

Zabuza and Haku walked on through the night, talking about this and that, glad to be back on solid ground, where they could walk a few feet without groping one another.

"It's good to be OOF!" Haku hit the ground as a short, red-headed, angry looking boy and an oversized gourd fell out of a tree and landed on him.

"Sorry," the Tree-Bourne Desert Kid apologized. "I barely got away from Lee when a Mary Sue grabbed me and dragged me out here. I just woke up... Where's Konoha?"

"Back that way," Zabuza pointed.

"We're going off to open up a restaurant in Santa Fe," Haku told him. "D'you want to come?"

The kid stared at him. "Santa Fe?"

"It's a little suburb of Sunagakure."

"Oh. Well, sure, then."

And thus began the Adventures of Zabuza, Haku, and Gaara.

But _that_ is another story.

* * *

End Credits! (Don't feel you have to read these. Just skim through them some day when you're bored.)

Starring: (In Order of Cliche. Westernized for my convenience.)

The Intrepid Heros: Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Zabuza Momichi, and Haku Smith

The Lemon Patrol (Holding the Homefront): Kakashi Hatake, Sakura Haruno, Hinata Hyuuga, and Neji Hyuuga

The Losers-Turned-Heros: Kankuro McSand, Chouji Akamichi

Writer Jonin: Ramen Boy, Amaya Takehiko, and Secret Agent OMG

The Villain: Hente I. Cahgay

The Victims of Lemonness: Everybody else

Dedicated to:

All Writers of Slash, Yaoi, Yuri, Impreg, Incest, Rape, Lemons, and Fluff

and to NekoRaven and Youkai-girl23, for finding them and bringing them to me.

Also, as always, to Cyrano and Bono. If anyone is worthy of being the next HentaiKage, it's you two.

Apologizes to Shippers of the Following Pairings (try to read this in one breath):

Kakashi X Sakura, Naruto X Sasuke, Zabuza X Haku, Naruto X Haku, Sasuke X Haku, Naruto X Zabuza, Sasuke X Za (you get the picture, don't you?)

Hyuugacest, Uchihacest,

Gaara X Lee, Shikamaru X Temari

Gai X Lee

Kakashi X Iruka

Chouji Pairings (Even though they don't exist)

Kankuro Pairings (Even though they don't exist)

SandSibcest (Even though it doesn't exist)

Gai X Kakashi

Orichimaru X Itachi

_(Sound of Kallie's brain exploding)_

Ok, enough of that. Let's start over.

Apologizes to:

Shippers of Anybody X Anybody Else

Anybody who read the credits this far.

Fans of Choji

Fans of Kankuro

Fans of Temari (haha! Get it? FANS? -cracks up-)

Special Thanks:

Rent

StarWars (Those of you who caught this, go find yourself a cookie)

Nintendo

Dollar General

My reviewers. You're wonderful people!

Sexy No Jutsu is copyrighted to Uzumaki Jutsu Lim.


End file.
